King Khan in Identity Crisis

In a revelation that is bound to send shockwaves through Bollywood fandom, doctors in Mumbai have admitted that the real Salman Khan is trapped inside a thick layer of hardened muscle.  The information was found in a classified document, which had mysteriously found its way to a Chennai peanut vendor.

Ram Kanakasabapathy and his friend, Visesh Rao, made the stunning discovery yesterday during a visit to their avicha-vaerkkadalai [1] vendor in Saidapet.  ‘I thought the Times of India celebrity supplement and Sun News were the only sources of authentic information.  I never knew that my peanut man had them beat for quality news coverage,’ said Ram.

‘First of all, I would love to send a shout out to my homies, Rickster and G’Nesh.  Salman is da bomb and I luv Salman.  He is way more talented than that over-rated prick Shah Rukh.  There is only one Khan, and that is Salman’, Visesh rhymed in an unexpected, but oddly endearing moment of candour.

‘We are here every evening, but this was actually the first time I had paid attention to the print on the package,” continued Sesh, as he likes to be called.  ‘Ram and I were standing here tweeting each other on how difficult it must be for Deepika to have to act with her ex’s best friend’s cousin in her next movie.  That’s when I saw the name SALMAN KHAN on the sheet in my hand.  OH MY GOD!’  As luck would have it, Ram and Sesh had the first two sheets and for an additional Rs. 1000 worth of peanuts, they secured the rest of the explosive report.

The rest, as they say, is His story.  The friends then got on Facebook and one of their friends alerted this reporter, who was able to get a first-hand look at the report.  It appears that the discovery was made during what seemed like a routine visit by the doctor.  Salman had complained of an itch under his scalp that he couldn’t quite scratch.  Although everyone experiences this sort of a thing occasionally and for short durations, Salman’s itch had not gone away for a month.  While attempting to inject the Khan with anti-histamines, the doctors broke seventeen needles, at which point they realised that something was seriously wrong and a different approach was required.


Salman Khan in happier times, flashing some bling.


X-rays taken at the Tata Memorial Hospital revealed a one-inch-thick layer of unknown material covering Salman’s body.  The layer was particularly thick around the skull, chest and upper arms.

‘It is fair to say that the medical community, not just in India, but worldwide, has not seen anything like this before’, said Dr. Atul Apte, a renowned neurosurgeon at the hospital.  ‘We have repeated the tests and yes, these results are real.  At this time, we are getting the opinions of our colleagues in the West, but it will be a while before we can come to any conclusions’.

The leading hypothesis is that Salman, in addition to the usual skeleton humans possess, has for some reason, started growing an exoskeleton.  Exoskeletons are normally found in the insect kingdom — the cockroach is a good example.  ‘While this hypothesis could explain what we see, it really doesn’t explain the why part of it at all,’ added a visibly agitated Dr. Apte.  ‘The high-steroid, high-fibre diet Salman has been on for the last several years is suspected of causing heart failure, liver damage and regularity in bowel movements, but is not known to cause this type of side effect.  We are still working hard on this, and hope to come up with some testable explanations soon.  But, realistically, we are probably a decade away from understanding this issue’, he opined, eerily reminding us of the last paragraph.

Dr. R. S. Srinivasan, a prominent dermatologist in Chennai, had this to say: ‘This is terrible for Salman, but if you are a lover of science, (and frankly, who isn’t?) this is what you dream of.  In the 80s and 90s, we had the AIDS epidemic, which created a huge buzz and captured the imagination of the entire world.  But, this one is something else altogether.  It is almost straight out of a bad science-fiction movie — Superhero develops exoskeleton after being bitten by a cockroach.

‘Unfortunately, a real-life exoskeleton throws up a host of dermatological, not to mention existential, issues.  In a sense, I feel cheated.  I took up dermatology mainly because I didn’t like the inside.  Who are we kidding?  It is gooey and gross.  But, with Salman, the outside has gone inside and something else’s outside has become his outside.  Rama! Rama![2].  Our sages said it right.  Ellam maayam[3].  Is he supposed to go to an entomologist now or what?’

What is the cure for this ailment?  ‘It is premature to talk of a cure when we don’t even know what the problem is.  However, if the exoskeleton idea is right, there is a chance that Salman will moult and lose the exoskeleton after some time.  But then, he might also regrow one right away and we need to have a plan to prevent that.  He might also want to eat the proteinaceous exoskeleton once he comes out,’ Dr. Apte’s voice trailed off into the breeze.

‘I am now worried about the epidemic angle to this.  Salman was the pioneer of the buff revolution that has since swept Bollywood.  A lot of our youngsters have followed in his footsteps.  If this problem has anything to do with this new lifestyle, we will have a full-fledged swine-flu situation on our hands’.

To obtain an alternative medicine viewpoint on this story, this reporter spoke to Sadhu Sundaracharya of Kedarnath.  ‘I rarely agree with Madrasis or doctors but I do like what that Madrasi doctor said.  Yeh sab maya hi hai[4].’

‘ What is inside?  What is outside?  What is in?  What is out?  What is side?  Where are we standing when we ask the question?  Are we inside?  Are we outside?  If you are inside, the inside is the inside and the outside is the outside.  If you are outside, the outside is the inside and the inside is the outside, nah?,’ the Acharya queried in response to this reporter’s question on whether he might come inside, causing him to seriously reconsider greeting the Godman with a ‘What’s up?’

‘I recommend that Salman spend a few months at my Ashram.  I can guarantee that he will be a new person when he emerges,’ Sadhu Sundaracharya beamed between tokes of his food-less diet.

1. boiled peanuts; fantastic Chennai street-food, no kidding.
2. One of 330 million Gods! One of 330 million Gods!
3. It’s all an illuzhaan, baby!
4. It’s all an illusun, indeed!

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4 Comments on “King Khan in Identity Crisis”

  1. Lux Says:

    Hilarious,Bi Cep (pronounced Bhai saap)

    • deshvaasi Says:

      Thx again. I hope he does not come looking for me. And even if he does, I hope he doesn’t turn and pee in front of my house.

  2. kenny Says:


    the exoskeleton is probably why he can get away with driving over humans (who possess, sadly, only a skeleton, and a bit of flesh covering said skeleton).

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