He wants it not, he wants it, …

Saif Ali Khan is an unhappy man.

After being awarded the Padma Shri for his super-fantabulous contributions to Art, a.k.a. Bollywood, he initially made wavelets stating that he didn’t deserve the award.  But, after eating some Mom-made jalebis, better sense prevailed and he reluctantly agreed to honour the award by accepting it.  Says Madam Tagore:

‘The Padma Shri will make Saif evaluate his worth and make him think of what the country expects from him. I think it’s a great pat on the back,’ she added.

But, later in the same article, when asked about her own work being recognised, the good Lady says,

‘My self-worth doesn’t come from what other people say about me. Recognition or the lack of it doesn’t run or ruin my life…It’s enough that some people like me. I know I’m not in the same league as Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan. But when I walk into a room I only feel good vibes.  My fulfilment comes not from awards but from watching the peacocks frolicking in my garden in Pataudi.’

This year’s Padma Shri for parenting goes to … Got to lay off the sauce, Madre.

To a lay-person, this all sounds just like more sound-bytes from celebs in a celeb-crazy culture.  However, inside sources say that there is more to this than meets the eye.

Apparently, SAK got his designer undrawyer in a twist that he didn’t directly get a Padma Vibhushan.  He also feels slighted that his contributions to the royal sport of shooting haven’t been properly recognized.  ‘I come from a family of legendary shooters.  My grandfather single-handedly kept the tiger menace in check.  My father is an unparalleled slayer of terrorist migratory birds and fleet-footed killer-antelopes. If he can do all this with just one good eye, imagine what he could have done with two regular-issue ones.

‘And myself? I don’t mean to boast, but I did what no man had ever done before in Rajasthan, freeing poor villagers from a man-eating chinkara.  All these ass-wipes on the award committee should try down taking a ferocious antelope from 3 yards away armed with nothing but a belly full of alcohol and some small firearms.

‘No one appreciates this, but at that time, my super-hero-friend, Salman Khan, had been temporarily paralyzed. He was showing Tabu and Neelam how he could propel his pelvis out of his body and catch it on the way back. Somehow, his hands got stuck in his crotch, which is precisely when that ferocious beast decided to taunt us by singing Shah Rukh songs.  Had it not been for me, those menacing eyeballs will still be haunting that God-forsaken place.  Doe-eyed, my ass.’

‘Instead of admiring my feat of strength, these damned Bishnois have been trying for the last decade to screw my happiness.  Ingrates!

‘Besides, that Idiot Aamir Khan gets a Padma Bhushan, and I get just a Shri!  There is no justice in this world.

‘And, Mom, about finding peace watching peacocks in the garden and all that … um, they are just toys.  Dad and I got the munchies one night and shot and ate all the real birds.  Such huge holes we shot through the buggers, you would have been so proud.  Blew the heads clear off a couple of them too.  Sweet!  Sorry if you miss the real ones, but you know I love you, and you know your son is the bestest.  XOXO. ‘

If any of you would like to right this grave injustice, please start spamming Manmohan Singh, or cracking some coconuts at your nearest God outlet.  I am a little luckier than most of you; there are several blackbucks near where I work.  I am just so pissed off right now that I am going to run out of my office and take down a blackbuck with my bare hands.  This one’s for you, manly-man Saif, my hero and my inspiration.

And don’t worry too much about that Padma V., I will start a collection and we will buy one for you next year.  If a penurious Prof. like Venki can get one, it shouldn’t be that expensive.

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2 Comments on “He wants it not, he wants it, …”

  1. Sivaram Says:

    When a Chatwal can get Padma award for a) helping “Mama” Amar Singh to link up with the Clinton’s and b)allegedly defrauding India’s premier bank, anyone can get an award in this country.

    By the way its getting pretty difficult to understand the English written by you. Would request that you make it a bit more “laymanish”!!

    • deshvaasi Says:

      Chatwal is awesome too. Of course, this is not strictly a desi phenomenon; Clinton’s Presidential pardons are legendary.

      Sorry about the writing, think I have been reading too many Carnatic reviews in the Hindu. 🙂


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